Hey guys, it’s getting dangerous to be a man especially if your name is in wide circulation. Look at all those media makhers going down. So what about the rest of us blokes who don’t figure in People Magazine or have six-figure incomes? We might not get national attention for alleged conquests but our reputations could easily be besmirched too. And it’s most likely to happen on that most public of social media, Twitter. It’s time to get proactive, @VulnerableDudes.
Take Barney Boynton, a still decent-looking chap of 48 from Melrose, Mass. who claims to have known more than 150 women (he admits having lost count). Barney’s a plumber who says he has become intimately acquainted with a number of housewives over his career. “I just smile a lot and flex a little and let them come on to me,” he explains. “If we’re both interested we might go at it. Off the clock of course. I have scruples.” Seeking to separate himself from alpha males who exploit their stations in life to have their way with women, Barney tweets out with hashtag #NotMe:
Some jerks take whamen without permission #notme
Ahmed Joovenal is a fit and trim son of Lebanese refugees with dark bedroom eyes who put himself through college and now works in telemarketing. He’s troubled with the thought he might have taken advantage of co-eds. “I have a girlfriend now and want to put my whatever behind me.” He says he’s stopped drinking and wants to make ahmends, as it were, for any putative predations. Here he elegantly expresses his contrition with #NotMeBut:
Big apologeez 2 any ladeez bros say i did at sigma sigma delta frat partees i wuz 2 plastered to remeber. #notmebut
Far from contrite, after being accused via Twitter of sexual impropriety, 28-year-old Hollywood stagehand Jeremy Digger dug in his heels. “I won’t be whinesteined by chicks who came on to me. No way.” He tweeted back:
@aliciagoddess, @sylviastarlet, @jennynobitch u know it was consensual so lay off. #RememberItDifferently
Thinking differently is auto mechanic Tim McTaggert, a former high school linebacker who has always had trouble getting dates. He wonders if chicks avoid him because he weighs in at 335 pounds and has a complexion that never quite cleared up. Whatever the cause, he sees the trending #MeToo movement as an opportunity to be seized.
Looking 4 a firebird 2 ride my mustang. I have a lot to offer gurlz. I’m not a predator & if u molest me I’LL NEVER TELL. #WhyNotMe
As they sort of say, a good offense is the best defense of decency. It’s great that abused women are standing up, speaking out, and tweeting up a storm. But legally speaking, it’s kind of a wild west type of justice. We guys know it’s only a matter of time before ladies turn their attention to those of us down there in the pecking order. It’ll be hard to defend ourselves and most of us can’t afford lawyers. Clearing our good names in advance is what we need to do, so let’s get it on.
#StupidIdea #Satire. #Sorry.
This story also appears @medium.com.